“Sheridan Smith still excellent – but the new dog grooming show is totally crazy” – Sara Wallis

As a person who is not a dog, our TV columnist is amazed that people want to tune in to watch competitors freak out over the top shihtzu knots or lyricate over the bud nose of a Bichon Frize.

I have a confession – I’m not a dog person.

Please don’t hate me. And no, I don’t bark in anger, just a very rare breed.

So when I heard that the latest reality TV concoctions were a dog grooming contest, well… I thought that was the worst doggone idea since the one with celebrities on a farm.

Who wants to watch people panic over the top shihtzu knots or lyrical wax about a Bichon Frize button nose? Probably a lot of you. Sigh.

We’re a dog-obsessed nation and after the lockdown saw a boom in buying furry puppies (seven of my friends so far), BBC1’s Pooch Perfect bowed to demand.

The only draw for me is Sheridan Smith, co-host with her dog Stanley, who is always excellent at everything.

She was having fun, was on hand for comedy skits, and encouraged petting – and that was just for humans.

In the first round on Thursday, four professional groomers arrived at the Pooch Parlor, which has spa-like facilities for lucky pooches.

“The one who doesn’t have a dog is weird,” Kara said.

I don’t think we would be friends.

Elsewhere, Abbie told us that she grew up wanting to be a Dalmatian.

Seriously. I mean, what are we supposed to do with this information?

Kara, Abbie, Thomas, and Kelly have been tasked with giving a Shih Tzu a haircut.

In the strutting Princess, Bourbon, Magic and Fizz “clients” and the oohing and aahing began, everyone suddenly regressing in the baby talk.

As the wash and cut began, we met the judges – master groomer Colin Taylor, obsessed with cuts like ‘tight-fitting suits’, and poodle expert Verity Hardcastle, obsessed with seeing faces. dogs.

That’s literally all they talked about. There was an overview of the competitors and the races. How fast does a shihtzu’s hair grow back? Oh wait, I don’t care.

Tension was mounting over decisions between clippers and scissors, and whether mutts would ever be able to see through their fringes.

I don’t know what it is – Claudia Winkleman seems to be doing fine.

In a second task, they had to give the curly-haired dogs a teddy bear trim.

Cue threads of fluffy faces, hidden paws and a few revolting kisses from dogs throughout.

As the dogs paraded the Dogwalk, the owners watched like proud parents playing at their children’s school.

In the end (sorry) Kelly took home the Best In Show award and Kara was the runner-up – so now both have a chance to win the Golden Stanley Trophy.

No doubt millions of people will see this as a TV to watch, but for this sneezing TV reviewer, I’ll be busy washing my hair.